Barole A to Z
by Linneagb
Summary: Series of one- shots from A to Z- first chapter has a title beginning with A, next with B, next with C and so on until I reach Z. Every one- shot is Burt/Carole in one way or another. G is for Gay
1. Alice

**So yeah, I had the idea of writing a Barole A to Z story. A to Z is in itself not original, but I couldn't find one with Burt/ Carole and they are seriously the sweetest couple ever so I figured, why not? Well, here we go. This first chapter is written from Burt's point of view. **

**As a note I just wanted to say that the chapters may be slightly AU as I haven't seen anything from the fifth season yet. The biggest things are the same. Finn's dead, Klaine are getting married- but I am making up dates for them and if they're turning up I'll make them "my own". And as I don't know the new characters (Bree and Penny etc.) I won't be using them if the glee club is in it anything. Instead making up new members myself if I need to. Also, I don't think any of my OC:s from other stories, (Cai, Lex etc.) will have parts in this but… you never know. **

**A is for Alice **

I looked to my wife where she was walking right beside me on the sidewalk. It had been months since Finn died- that was in April and now was January. It was months with knowing that my love was suffering worse than I could ever imagine. Months without seeing her smile for real, or hearing her laugh joyfully. Sure she did smile, when I told her something funny or watching a fun movie. Sure she did laugh when I told her about other funny things, myself laughing so bad tears were streaming down my cheeks. But it wasn't real, the smiles never seemed to reach her eyes as they had done before. And there never seemed to be a joyfulness in the laughing like there had been before- and it was soon over as she stopped herself from laughing.

We had been eating dinner out tonight as so many nights before because none of us felt like cooking. There had been a song for some kid turning five and when we had watched the boy getting cake all over himself and his father Carole had smiled just as everyone else in the restaurant. Though I knew she saw Finn before her, and felt worse than mostly- she had smiled at the playfulness that goes with a five- year- old and a birthday cake.

Though her eyes were still holding the same sad look as always. I am not sure anybody who hadn't known Carole before could have told it was there- but I knew her better than anyone else and I could see it just as clear as I could see the color of her eyes. And I knew I'd do anything to take it away. Take all- or at least a little bit of the pain she was suffering. Just so she wouldn't have to deal with it. I would do anything in my power to take the pain away- and it hurt me that I knew I couldn't.

Carole pulled her coat closer around her. I laid my arm around her shoulders- hoping to give her a little bit of my warmth and support when she suddenly stopped and looked past me into a side road, she held out her hand to stop me too.

"What was that?" She almost whispered. I shook my head to show her I hadn't heard it. She held a finger to her lips when I started saying something. Then I heard it too, it was a whimper. A tiny little whimper so quiet I could barely hear it. Carole walked past me and looked behind some old boxes in the ambush. She gasped, put a hand over her mouth and kneeled down.

"Hey girl." She kneeled down, I followed her slowly. Making a vow to myself that if this was a baby. I'd find the one who had left her here, and kill him or her with my own hands. Though when I could kneel down next to my wife, I saw that it wasn't a baby. Though I felt like ripping the one who had done this into pieces.

It was a dog! A dark- brown puppy with white front- paws and chest. Her eyes were big and blue- which I knew would get to brown when she was older. Her fur was slightly curly- and this wasn't some breed I had met before or recognized. She was lying in a carton with only some old magazines. She had snow in her fur and she was wet and so tired she could barely lift her head to look at the two people that had kneeled down next to her.

"Burt." Carole exclaimed and looked up at me. "We cannot just leave her here. She'll freeze to death." I kneeled down, stroke over the dirty fur and felt the icy cold freezing the little dog's body. I shook my head. No- we could not just leave her here. I kept on stroking her fur even though it was making my fingers freezing cold and talked to her in a calm and steady voice as I lifted her up. She whimpered as I lifted her and put her between my coat and my shirt and felt the little one shake towards my chest. Whether it was out of fear or cold I didn't know- probably both. The little one rested her head to my shoulder as I slowly walked home next to my wife.

When we came home Carole placed the little one in the sink in the bathroom while I walked over to the neighbor. I knew the twenty- one year old man- Shane McCullen was studying to a vet- he could probably help us in this. I knocked the door, and a drowsy young man came and greeted me.

"Hello Shane… sorry did I wake you up?" Shane stroke his sleep- ridden eyes, and answered me that it was alright and ask how he could help me. When I told him about the puppy he immediately seemed fully awake, and pulled his coat and shoes on to come with me next-door. I walked into the bathroom where Carole was still bathing the little one- and despite the warm water- she was still shaking cold.

Shane examined the little one as well as he could without the usual- whatever it is vet students use to examine a cold puppy. He frowned during the whole time and I knew Carole was worried he might find something worrying, I took her hand and squeezed it as she leaned against my shoulder. After some of the longest fifteen minutes in my life he looked up.

"She is obviously really cold. And… if I were you… I would be prepared for the fact that she probably won't make it through the night." Carole gasped, I swallowed and heard myself ask how old the puppy might be- and if he thought it would be a wild dog or someone had just left it there. "It's not a wild dog." Shane answered me at first. "She's too secure around people to never have been around them before. I'm not so sure but probably six or seven weeks old… And I'd say she's some sort of waterdog- but I'm not absolutely sure about that." I nodded, not knowing what to say. Shane pulled out a pen and a paper of his pocket and wrote a series of numbers on it before handing it to me.

"You can try to put some warm water in a nursing bottle and try feeding her. Later on if she gets better- though don't hope for too much. You can take small pieces of raw mince, warm it a bit in your hands and feed her them. You could wrap her in a towel or a blanket but if you want to do that her fur needs to be fully dry first, and wrap a hot water bottle in another towel and have it with her." I and Carole nodded at all the information, trying to take it all in if it could help us to save this little one. "Call that number if you need me. But I don't think there's too much I can do now… oh and yeah… if she makes it through that night, I'd call the veterinary clinic the first thing I do on Monday morning and get a time. Good evening."

"Good evening." I and my loved one greeted as Shane went out the door. I stroke the little one's fur, we had managed to get all the snow now, and she wasn't shaking as much. But she still laid down, too weak to even hold her head up.

A while later I and Carole sat down in the living room sofa, Carole holding the little one- wrapped in a towel but still as drowsy. I was stroking her head over and over again.

"Should we give her a name?" I looked up at Carole's question. I shrugged. I wasn't so sure that was a good idea I told her. "We can't just call her little one or girl all weekend or… all night." I smiled slightly, then nodded. I didn't want us to get too attached to the little one- but now it couldn't be helped- and Carole was right. I looked around the room for ideas for names and Kurt's copy of "Alice in wonderland" which he had forgotten when he went home to New York after the Christmas holidays still laid on the table.

"How 'bout Alice?" I asked. Carole stroke the little one and looked down at her. "Alice huh? How do you think that sounds? Sounds good doesn't it?" For the very first time that evening, the little one lifted her head, blinked and looked first to Carole, then to me. Then she laid her hand back down.

"I think that's a yes." Carole said and scratched Alice's head. "I do think it is, yes I do." She rocked Alice towards her chest, and for the first time in so long- I spotted something with Carole's eyes and movement. I couldn't quite put my finger down on what it was. But it was there, and it was back.

I must have fallen asleep because what felt like suddenly I woke up from Carole's first joyful laughter in so very long. I kept my eyes close for another few minutes. Oh laugh more. Laugh joyful so I know that you still know how to do so. At last I slowly opened my eyes to see little Alice holding her head up and licking Carole's chin, neck and cheeks as if her life was depending on it. I smiled- so she'd made it. I sat up and scratched Alice's head, she turned her head to look at me and then jumped out of Carole's grip and over in my lap and started licking me instead. And Carole she laughed so hard she had to put a hand down on the sofa for support not to fall. I smiled- even if it so was only for a moment. Carole- my Carole was back.

"She haven't got a tag, a collar, a chip or anything else saying that she has an owner." The vet told us on Monday forenoon. "She haven't been vaccinated, though seems like one perfectly healthy puppy. She is eight weeks old and a Portuguese waterdog. I've had two of them myself- they're quite easy to recognize. I'd leave her at the dog- shelter, someone might be looking for her." I sighed- I knew that last sentence was coming- and what other choice did we have? I had my work as a congressman- Carole had her work as an ER- nurse- we wouldn't have time for a dog- no matter how much we wanted.

"How much will the vaccinations cost if you'd do them today?" I asked to pull out on time, the vet- Dr. Howle- a man probably around sixty years old- stroke his chin. "Maybe 'bout 150 bucks." I sighed-though it didn't take much hesitating before I'd made up my mind.

"I'll pay for them if you do them now." I pulled out my wallet- that Alice would be a healthy dog meant more to me than any money.

I drove to the dog- shelter later, Alice sat on the seat next to me and when "don't stop believing" by Journey was put on, on the radio she started making sounds to the song just when I was about to turn it off- I had had a hard time listening to this song since Finn's passing. But when Alice started "singing along" I just couldn't turn it off.

"Ey- you're a good singer! Aren't you?" I patted Alice with my free hand- way too soon we were at the dog shelter. I filled up the papers, and then left the building without looking back.

One week passed by, eight days, nine days, eleven. And for Carole- it was like those two days had never happened. She was back to the quiet- depressed self she had been for almost a year now. It was understandable- though I'd have to admit I didn't really like it. I missed Alice- I knew Carole did too, even though she didn't mention a word about the little one. I knew it was two weeks a dog stayed at the dog- shelter. Either someone came and got their missing one, they were bought, or they were put down after two weeks. Fourteen days after I had left Alice at the shelter I drove back. Please let her still be alive. Don't let me be too late.

**Carole POV **

I sat by the kitchen table- drinking tea and looking out the window when Burt's car pulled up. He had told me over the phone there was something he had to do before he came home so it was already early evening. Burt stepped out of the car, walked around it and reached to lift out something from the front seat and when he walked down the driveway I recognized the dark- brown fur- ball as…

"Alice." I whispered to myself. I stood up and rushed outside, Alice ran up to greet me, as I sat down on the porch steps so that she could climb up on my lap.

"Have someone bought her?" I asked- still not understanding why Burt had brought Alice here. He answered me yes. And though it meant Alice would live- it felt like someone stabbing my heart- would we ever see this little one again? "Who?" I heard myself asked even though I didn't really want to. Burt sat down next to me and laid his arm around my shoulders.

**Burt POV **

"I did." Carole gasped, pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes with tears rising in hers for a second or two. Then she suddenly hunched forward and embraced me, God knows for how long she held me and I held her and Alice was just jumping happily around us until Carole pulled away and looked me in the eyes again.

"But we won't…" I interrupted. "We'll make it work. If it's what makes you happy then I will do anything to make it work." Carole embraced me again, sobbing against my shoulder. "Tears of joy I hope." I exclaimed. Carole pulled away again.

"Oh you have no idea." I smiled at her- I knew few things could have made her happier than this, but also few things could make me happier than seeing her happy, and I thought a moment before answering her.

"Actually… I think I do."

**NUUITVIMÅTTVYYTUUVDJ SO CUTE! Alice is….. kind of a copy of my dog as a puppy, though my Yippie is almost two. And she's only a copy in looks and personality- which you'll see more of later. Alice's story and the story with her making Carole happy like that is made up. I hoped you liked this. I know it's kind of naïve but come on! If it's cute we can let it be naïve. **

**English is not my first language**


	2. Brothers

**Ehrm… so yeah, I have made a cover for this story. And it's a pic of Burt and Carole during the wedding in Furt, and I have also cut in a picture of "Alice" which is actually a picture of my dog as a puppy. **

**B is for Brothers**

I sat on a bench outside the ER- my mum's work. An ambulance had just pulled over outside the door. I saw my mum in her nurse- gown come out in the rain and speak to the paramedic, for a split second her eyes met mine. She saw me- frowned but had to run inside with the patient and disappeared out of my sight. But I should have known she'd come back.

I should have known that as soon as she had the chance she'd come running outside, holding her coat over her head instead of just pulling it on. I should have known she would come running up to me, lay the coat over my shoulders rather than wearing it herself even though it was way too small. And I should have known she wouldn't leave me alone until I had told her what was going on. Yet I knew I was too ashamed of what I had done to tell her.

It wasn't more than a couple of minutes before mum came running outside she held her raincoat over her head and when she came up to me she pulled it over my shoulders rather than wearing it herself. Not that it did much good as I was already soaking with rain- water.

"FINN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" She shouted over the sound of the rain. "COME ON IN WE'LL GET YOU INSIDE" She laid her arm around my shoulders and led me inside the Emergency room. "What's wrong?" Mum asked when we came into the staff lounge and it was quiet around us. "Are you hurt? Are you sick or has something happened to Burt or Kurt?" I shook my head at every new question.

"Mum." I exclaimed just as she was on her way to ask more. "I… I think you should talk to Burt about this." I looked up at her, she nodded. I sighed as she brushed her fingers through my hair.

"I'll go get you a towel and something dry to wear." I shook my head.

"Mum… I'll go to Puck's or somewhere. You go to Burt's. You need to hear his side of the story."

Finn…" I stood up and threw my arms around mum's neck. I could feel a lump in my throat and I desperately brainstormed for something I could tell mum. I ended up telling her with my voice breaking that I have messed it up really bad. "I love you Finn." She leaned back a bit and looked me in the eyes as she began talking to me. "You know nothing can ever change that. No matter what you've done or how bad you've messed it up." I nodded and took a step back. "Now… I need to work so… If you go to Puck's I will come and get you there when I've spoken to Burt okay?" I nodded.

**Carole POV **

It was early evening when I pulled over in front of the Hummel- house, got out and knocked the door. Burt opened with a stern look on his face. He greeted me and then silently stepped to the side so I could walk inside while I asked him what was going on. Burt led me into the living room and pulled out a chair.

I sat down as he sat down on the opposite side of the table and told him his version of what had happened after the boys came home from school today. How he had overheard Finn- my son! Shouting- using a homophobic language towards Kurt- his own son! Burt was calm during telling me-but I could see the anger in his eyes and he had his hands clenched hard around the fabric in his jeans pockets.

After he had told me the whole story Burt stood up and leaned against the kitchen bench with his back towards me. I stood up and walked over to him, then I put a hand on his shoulder. I hesitated with lifting my hand but decided on continuing and laid one hand at his shoulder and the other one at his hand. He looked at me. Most of the anger seemed gone- being replaced by- tiredness? Sadness? Fear? I wasn't so sure.

"You know Carole." Burt began. "My son is Gay. Twenty, thirty years ago I was one of the ones running around the school yard throwing insults after them we thought were gay. If someone had told me then that Kurt would be gay- I would have beat the crap out of them. But now- Kurt is my son and I love him just as if he was my own flesh and blood. But I know- every day—no- every hour I have to feel bad and be scared over Kurt when he is at school. I'm scared they're hurting him. Because I know they are. But Kurt being Kurt tells me it isn't that bad. And I can't risk that Kurt will have to deal with that also at home- that's why I cannot have Finn living under my roof. I love you but I can't risk that I'm sorry I can't risk that for my Kurt." I drew a deep breath, thinking about what to say next.

"I know." I answered at last. "And I love you too." I sighed a bit. "You know… Christopher he used to say when I or Finn couldn't make something. That if plan A doesn't work. There are always twenty five more letters in the alphabet- and if you run out of those. You take the three letters from the Scandinavian alphabet. And then the Chinese signs and so on." I always hesitated before mentioning Christopher to Burt. I had a strange feeling it would make Burt feel as if he wasn't good enough- or loved enough if I did- no matter how many times he'd told me it wouldn't do anything.

Burt smiled at Christopher's wise words. "We'll make this work." I continued. "In one way or another we'll make this work." Burt stood up fully and turned to me. We wrapped our arms around each other and stood like that for several minutes- until we heard Kurt coming up the stairs and towards the kitchen.

When Kurt came through the kitchen door I could immediately spot his cheeks and eyes being red and swollen from crying, he seemed tired though smiled slightly when he saw me being there.

"Hi Carole." He said- his voice seemed tired and broken. I took just a few steps over the kitchen floor and embraced the teenager. At first he tensed- though after just a few seconds he seemed to relax and he lifted his arms to hug me back and rested his chin towards my shoulder.

"I am so, so sorry for Finn's behavior." I apologized when I pulled away from Kurt again. Kurt shook his head.

"It's not your fault…. I… I shouldn't have…" I could guess what was coming. But what Kurt had done was simply being himself and- tried to get the one he was in love with to see him- just like anyone would have done. I didn't want him to apologize for that. I smiled slightly and shook my head just like Kurt had done to me.

"Don't say you're sorry- it's not your fault." I lifted my hand and stroked away a tear streaming down Kurt's cheek. "I'll go pack some of my and Finn's things." I know I can't go back to our old house anymore. After moving in with Burt everything went so fast and the house will be up for sale in only a few days and the contract's already signed. Now I feel so stupid for letting it go so fast- but I was so sure this would work!

"You can leave most of the things here if you want." Burt's voice came from behind me. "Until we know how everything's going to turn out." I nodded. Kurt offered me to help me with it, I accepted and we went to pack clothes and other necessaries while Burt went downstairs to take Finn's sport- items.

The packing was done during a pretty awkward silence. I did not know what to say, how to fix what Finn had said and done. Kurt sniffled every once in a while but expect from that he was unusually quiet.

At last I stood next to my car in the parking lot. I and Burt yet again had our arms wrapped around each other. No words were spoken right then, whatever that would have been it could wait until later. To another day.

It had stopped raining for the moment but when we both felt raindrops falling from the sky we let go, I quietly got into my car. I didn't dare to say something- too afraid that my voice would break. Burt shoved his hands in his pockets and watched me as I drove up the road.

I drove up to the Puckerman's. Sarah- Noah's seven year old sister came to open and hadn't even greeted me before she shouted for Finn at the top of her lungs. Finn came down the stairs- wearing what I guessed was lent from Puck. I decided to talk to him when we were alone so told him to go and get his things and then come with me to find some cheap hotel or something like that to stay at least the first few nights.

Finn got in his own car and I drove with him behind me to a motel- not so far from McKinley high. I told Finn to wait while I went to check if they had any rooms. They had so I walked outside again and carried some of the things I had brought inside the room we had gotten. It wasn't big- however it had one bedroom and then one extra bed put up in what seemed to be a mixture between living room, kitchen and dining room. I went outside to get some more things and when I came back Finn sat on the extra bed, he was leaning onto his elbows which he held on his knees and didn't even blink when I spoke his name.

I went to sit down next to him, sank down on the quilt pulled out over the mattress. Finn barely blinked, I clasped my hands and wondered about what to tell him now- But before I had the time to say anything he turned his head to look at me.

"Mum?" He exclaimed. "You mad at me?" I sighed and hesitated a few moments before answering him. A part of me wanted to be mad about what he had done. A part of me wanted to be shouting at him for being so mean to Kurt- and by that getting us both thrown out of the Hummel- house. But I knew I couldn't be mad at Finn- and I hated the part of me because it wanted to hurt Finn for hurting me.

At last I shook my head slightly. "No Finn, I am not mad at you. You know I could never be mad at you. Though I'm sad and disappointed it didn't work out. I'm also very disappointed in you for doing that to Kurt." Finn swallowed, then took his backpack and walked towards the door."

"Where you're going Finn?" I asked frowning. He stopped, holding the door open in one hand and turning around towards me.

"I'll stay at Puck's. Bye mum." He walked out the door and closed the door behind him. Silence fell in the room, only interrupted a few times a minute when a car drove by outside. Several minutes after the door had closed after Finn I let myself sink down on the bed again. I put my head in my hands as big tears started streaming down my cheeks and I cried myself through several minutes.

I didn't speak much to Finn during the next few days. Neither to Burt nor Kurt. There was no need- there was nothing much to say. After almost breaking down at work one day I had told my two closest friends- and colleagues what was going on. They had both insured me that I could take their guest room if I needed somewhere to stay. I waved it off without much further explanation- I didn't want to bother.

My shift on Friday was actually over when I saw the Hummel's the next time. It was calm at the ER for the moment so I stood by the reception. I looked to be reading files- and just hoped that no one would notice I had read the same page for at least ten minutes. I was actually thinking about what I would do this weekend. Talk to Finn? Have dinner with Burt? Read? I didn't know, and I was afraid it would at last turn out to be sit in the motel room and stare into a wall.

I sighed where I stood and looked to the watch for what must have been the millionth time today. I didn't look forward to when I'd have to leave work and it was already half an hour since I should have left. That was when I heard two voices I easily recognized. There was no voice that would be as high- pitched as Kurt's. And there was no way which would make me feel so warm as Burt's. As I looked up to see the two men coming through the automatic doors and I ran up to them.

"What's going on?" Despite the fact that both had smiles on their faces and their eyes were sparkling I couldn't help to worry about the fact that they both were here. I looked to first from one to another of them. Hmm- I knew Kurt's outfits could be a bit- special sometimes. But the silver- dress and high heels he was wearing now made me wonder about if he had completely lost his mind- though of course I would never admit it.

"Have you spoken to Finn?" Kurt's happiness could be heard in the tone of his voice. I shook my head and felt fear of that if something had happened to my son. "You will never guess what!" Kurt seemed to almost be jumping of happiness when he told me how Finn had stood up for him today. And the more he told me, the warmer I got with pride of my son.

A little while later I drove up to the Puckerman's and asked for Finn. Before I had spoken to him Gina Puckerman talked me into moving into their guest room- and no matter what I said against it would make Gina give in. At last I had to give in and decided I'd get my stuff from the motel after speaking to Finn.

While I was talking to Gina, Finn was standing in a corner. He had gotten out of the dress and switched it to his own jeans and T- shirt. Yet he was still trying to wipe the sparkly, red make- up away from his face. He didn't succeed too well so when I had finished speaking to Gina I took the napkin and helped him.

"What you did for Kurt today was so brave of you." I spoke after helping Finn to get the last of the makeup away from his face. I spread my arms out and he more or less fell into my embrace. I held Finn during silence for several seconds. "I'm so proud of you." I told him- still not letting go. "And if your father was here he'd have said that what you did today is what makes a real man." Finn sniveled, I pulled him even closer and silent again.

"I'm sorry mum." His voice seemed to be almost breaking. "I'm so sorry for messing it up." I raised my hand and stroke his dark hair still not letting go of him.

"It's okay now sweetheart." I answered him. "It's over now. We'll clean up the mess somehow." I loosened myself from Finn's embrace and still with my hands on his arms I leaned back. I had known it all along, I knew it more than ever now that this was going to work out. Finn had learned his lesson and we had learned ours. Maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to put Kurt and Finn in the same room and let Kurt decorate it. But it would also take some getting used to things for all of us- I and Burt would have to get used to things just as much as the boys. We'd all been alone for so long. But the boys would hopefully- probably be brothers one day, and our first time to try to make it work had simply just not been working out.

But I knew it stronger now than ever that Chris's words were right. After plan A- there's always twenty five more letters in the alphabet- and there's nothing that stops you from trying again. The more tries it takes, the more lesson will be learned and the bigger the chance is that you can make it right with the next letter.

**So… I'm not really happy with the ending but that will work. Who else loves the scene where Finn stands up to Kurt? "Counts hands in the air" Yeah- I thought so!**

**English is not my first language **


	3. Cancer

**LocalXmusicXjellybeanX: **Yeah don't you just love that scene? Thanks.

**For this chapter- no, I am not a doctor. And having cancer is an experience I'd rather miss out on so if I get things wrong. I'm sorry. However I am a nursing assistant and I have done research so I hope I'll do alright anyway. **

**C is for Cancer **

"The tests we draw, proved our assumptions to be right. And I'm very sorry to tell you that you have prostate cancer." I swallowed. A few weeks ago, I had been to the doctor to one of my usual check- ups. I hadn't thought that they'd find anything. But they had- and now the tests had come back and proved that I had cancer, the doctor continued.

"It is at an early state so there's a very big chance of survival, I'd say about ninety percent." I sighed and stroke my forehead. "Now we want to treat this aggressively. We have looked over our tests and X- rays and it looks like the best option would be Chemotherapy." I swallowed while Doctor Carson continued to talk about different options and side effects. At last I heard myself talk- but it was like I was listening to myself from the other side of the room. I heard myself ask what would be the most effective treatment, Doctor Carson sighed and leaned against his elbows.

"I think the most effective to… kill the cancer- cells and get you in remission would be chemotherapy. But… it does have pretty severe side- effects…" I interrupted him

"I know." How could I not know? I had watched my Elizabeth getting it. I had seen her beautiful chest- brown curls fall of. I had been the one there to rub her back and kiss away tears from her cheeks when she was crying because she was throwing up. I had been there through every hard day and yet harder night- everything caused by cancer and something called chemotherapy- how would I not be able to know what chemo does to the body?

Doctor Carson nodded, I heard myself agree to chemotherapy. And from that moment on I felt my chest tighten. Was it what I was going to be- was I gonna be the one there in some while? I wouldn't have to worry about losing my hear but- would I be the one who was knocked off by chemotherapy- maybe even be the one dying in a few months. Would cancer kill me like it had killed my Liz?

I barely remembered anything from what Doctor Carson said when I left his office later that afternoon and got in my car and drove home. Carole wasn't home as she was visiting her sister in Toledo until Boxing Day and Finn was at college. I was alone and ended up sitting there just staring into a wall and eventually had it all planned out.

A few hundreds of dollars and God knows how many phone- calls to Blaine, to Carole, to Finn, the flying company and Blaine's parents later I got upstairs and packed things to spend Christmas eve and day in New York with my Kurt. I couldn't help but smile but to think of how I would get to see Kurt again and his face when I'd surprise him.

Yet a night later, and some packing I sat next to Blaine in a plane- chair. I had never been a person to like flying and the year I had spent as a congressman with loads of flying here and there hadn't made it better. I wasn't afraid of it but I did not like the feeling of being ten K up in the air.

At last I found myself standing outside Kurt and Rachel's apartment. A split second I was nervous of having to tell Kurt about why I actually was here- but I pushed the thought aside. Now I was here- and I was going to see my son. Nothing would get better by worrying for moments to come.

I found myself home again at Boxing Day afternoon. It was yet a few hours until Carole was to be home, so I unpacked and then sat down in the living room and watched TV. Just before nine P.M. That evening I heard Carole pull over on the drive way and then footsteps coming closer to the house.

I decided to break the news right away- there were no reasons to hold it anymore and when Carole came through the door I stood in the hallway. She smiled at first, I made a failed attempt to do the same, her smile faded when she saw the look on my face.

"Burt?" She exclaimed. "Is there something wrong hon?" I cleared my throat and stroke my chin, then asked Carole to come and sit down with me in the living room. We went to sit down and I took her hands in mine.

"Carole." I began. "You know how I was on this check- up at the doctor's a few weeks ago. Well… they actually did find something but as they wasn't sure it would be anything severe or not I decided not to tell you as I didn't want to worry you if it would turn out to be nothing. A couple of days before Christmas Eve I was there again. And there isn't really an easy way to say it so I'm just going to come right out and say it." Carole frowned and lifted her hand. She cupped it around my cheek.

"What did they find hon? You know you can tell me anything!" I nodded and took her hand from my face.

"Carole… I have cancer." I waited a couple of seconds, and it almost seemed like Carole had stopped breathing. She didn't say anything and didn't move until she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close. I took a deep breath and continued.

"It's in an early state, it hasn't spread. There's about a ninety percent chance for me to…" It was like I couldn't force myself to say the last word. The thought about those last ten percent… it was too hard. Carole pulled me even closer, and that's when something inside of me broke.

I curled up the fabric in Carole's shirt in my fists, and sobbed against her shoulder. I felt Carole's hands on my back and the back of my head as she was comforting me. I didn't know how long it was until I had stopped- but when I did it felt as if there were no more tears to cry. I took a few deep breaths before pulling away and sinking into the cushions of the sofa.

We sat there until the clock had reached almost thee in the morning. We did talk but there were long whiles without any words spoken. Carole wanted to know when the first chemotherapy- session was and when I told it was January the second she had decided she was taking the day off work and coming with me before I had the time to forbid her to do so.

I didn't want her to take days of work to come with me, what was there for her to do? I would be sitting in a hospital bed with an IV and then spend the night being sick. But at the same time it felt good I wouldn't be alone. Although I didn't want to admit it I had wanted her to come with me.

The days in between Christmas and New Year seemed to pass by way too quickly- I didn't want them to end as I knew what was coming later- even though I tried hard not to think about the cancer. I told my co- workers in the shop I would be hiring another guy as I was going to be gone often the next months- maybe for always.

As it was so urgent- I hired my nephew Clark- who I'd known since he was little and I knew was a hard- working young man. He had always liked to spend time at the shop, letting me show him what I was doing so I could try at first- if it didn't work out then I'd have to deal with it later.

At midnight between New Year's Eve and New Year 's Day I sat with my arms wrapped around Carole- she was as usual half- sleeping as I watched the fireworks on Time's square on the TV. And secretly I thought to myself that this might be the very last time.

Way too soon the Second day of the New Year came. No much words were spoken during the whole morning, not at home, not in the car, and not while walking through the hallways towards the Oncology apartment. I climbed up on the bunk in the hospital room while Carole sat down in a chair next to the bed. Doctor Carson gave us what seemed like a million of different things about chemotherapy and its side- effects, before leaving the IV dripping into my arm and after telling us to come and get him if there was something we needed he left the room.

I rested my head backwards and sighed when my stomach started feeling weird after some while. Immediately Carole had shot up of her chair and was stroking my cheek.

"Are you alright?" She asked worriedly. "Should I get Doctor Carson?" I shook my head and made a failed attempt to smile at her, she smiled back and continued stroking my face. And I knew this was the time telling her what I had been thinking about since I broke her the news about the cancer.

**Carole POV **

"Carole… love… I…" Burt began, he seemed nervous and I got worried he was feeling sick or something. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I… I am going to get really sick… that won't come as no surprise." He cleared his throat. "I want you to know, that if gets too hard. And you want to leave- I'll understand and I won't be there to stop you." His words knocked me off. How could Burt even think something like that about me? My eyes filled with tears as I continued to stroke his cheek.

"Oh honey. I wouldn't do that." I tried to brainstorm for something else to say. "In sickness and in health remember? It will be hard but I would never do that to you. And we'll get through this." I took his hand. "Together… now move." I pushed him gently to the side and climbed up in the bed next to him.

I rested my head back towards his chest, he wrapped one arm around me and rested the other one at my shoulder as he started playing with my hair. He suddenly moaned, and his eyes pulled towards his stomach. I pulled away.

"Are you alright honey?" I asked worriedly as his breathing got faster. "Should I get a doctor or..." I hadn't finished the sentence when his breathing slowed down to its normal pace and he pulled me closer again.

"No… just stay with me." I snuggled closer again.

"Always."

After another few hours in the room at the oncology apartment it was on shaky legs Burt walked- leaning against me down to the pharmacy to get some pills against the side. Effects. And then towards the car. He half- slept with his head resting back against the seat all the way home, he didn't say anything except when he moaned slightly when the car hit a bump in the road.

Burt walked on his own two feet- not leaning against me- up the driveway. Though his steps were slow and shaky, I kept a hand on his back ready to catch him if he'd fall all the time. But he made it over the porch steps and to our bedroom safely.

I helped Burt to lay down and pulled a blanket over him. Then placed a bucket in case he'd get sick next to the bed and some pills towards nausea and a glass of water on the bedside table, I tried to give him some but he kept telling me it wasn't that bad and fell asleep.

I grabbed a quick dinner and then sat down in a chair in the bedroom and then started reading a book. Though soon I felt my eyelids getting heavier and heavier after the long day, and the book fell out of my hand and my head leaned to the side of the chair as I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next time it was dark outside, and Burt wasn't seen in the bedroom. I looked around worriedly before I heard retching in the bathroom. I shot up of the chair and rushed into the bathroom. Where Burt had kneeled in front of the bowl and with one arm wrapped around his stomach and the other one supporting him, he was retching uncontrollably.

I rushed over the floor and kneeled down next to him, I started rubbing circles on his back and talking soothing to him. For a split second I could hear my dad's voice in my head about this. He had been dead for almost ten years but it seemed as clear as I knew exactly what he would say. "Burt is an adult man. He can take care of himself, you don't have to!" I shook the voice off. This wasn't about the fact if Burt was old enough to take care of himself or not.

I was going to take care of Burt. Sure he was old enough- but no matter how old people are and how good they can take care of themselves- I mean they could always need someone to take care of them. I shook the thoughts off and continued speaking soothing to my husband.

"Sch, it's alright, you're alright." Burt continued dry- heaving for another minute or two, and then let himself sink into my arms as I wrapped my arms around him and held him like that. "I'll go get some Dolasetron." I said- meaning the pills we had gotten for the nausea Burt would suffer from.

"No." Burt pulled me down to the floor again. "Just stay with me." I wrapped my arms around him again and stroke his head. His breathing had slowed down again, as I held him even closer.

Always Burt… always.

**Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww so cute! Isn't it just heartbreaking how Burt doesn't want to bother Carole at first and then he is just…. Awwwwwww. **


	4. Death

**LocalXmusicXjellybeanX: **Thank you for your review.

**Fae 206: **Thank you so much for your kind reviews. I'm happy I was able to write about cancer and the deceased with respect. The reason Blaine didn't do anything in the chapter was that it probably wouldn't have added something to the story, and I am trying to keep conversation to a minimum. I'm glad you think that I managed to get the characters right- I'm doing my best and again thank you so much for your reviews.

**And guys guess what!? I'm still not a doctor! And I don't really know anything about drugs either so… I'm writing to make things suit with the storylines. **

**IMPORTANT NOTES ABOUT THIS CHAPTER DOWN BELOW**

**If you think this chapter is dishonoring to Finn Hudson or Cory Monteith, I am very sorry that it would be your opinion. But I can tell that no matter how dishonoring you think it might be, that was not my purpose and I'm really doing my best not to be dishonoring. **

**I would recommend that to reading this chapter you should all grab a box of tissues and someone to hug. **

**D is for death **

I groaned and rolled over in bed when my cellphone called. The room was cold and pulling my arm out from the warmth of the covers to reach for the phone on the bedside table made a shiver go through my body. As I wrapped the quilt around me and took the call, not minding to look who was calling at the screen.

"Mhm Carole Hudson." I mumbled groggily of sleep while wondering who would call at two in the morning. But something in the tone of the young man who answered me that made me worry that something was going on. And it was really bad.

"Mrs. H?" Oh my, how many times would I have to tell Noah Puckerman to call me by my first name? I wondered at first, but only before a split second before I realized that Noah had a stressed out, worried tone in his voice, I had only heard him use it once before and that was why he came in with his sister to the ER- Sarah choking by an anaphylactic shock and he didn't know if the then- five- year- old girl was going to make it or not.

But there was too something I didn't recognize- he was slurring as if he had been drinking. And through the split second while I was trying to wake up enough to take in what he had said and answer one worst- case- scenario after the other played up.

Burt rolled over and looked up at me with tired eyes when I had raised myself on an elbow, he sat up and looked to me, I turned the speaker on as I had a feeling that Burt too needed to hear this.

"I'm in… I'm at Freeman hospital, I'm alright but… but Finn." I felt a gust of worry in my body as he mentioned Finn and then stopped, it was a couple of seconds before he continued again. "I… I don't know. I think you'd better get here… I'm running out of batter…" The phone beeped when Noah's phone ran out of batteries and it went all quiet.

I more or less jumped out of bed, Burt did the same. I found a shirt and pulled it on while running down the stairs with Burt right after. I don't know how- but I managed to get a coat and shoes on while Burt ran around looking for his car keys and pulling his own shoes and coat on. And without me really knowing how we were soon in the car and on our way to Freeman hospital.

There was a forty five minutes' drive to the hospital- maybe we were able to get there in half an hour because the road was so empty this time a day. But it could just as well have been a year I sat in the passenger seat, twisting my hands while Burt squeezed the steering wheel, staring at the road.

At last I was running up towards the door at the ER, I ran into the waiting room and looked around to spot Noah sitting by a wall. He was resting his elbows on his knees and his eyes were closed, I looked around, but Finn wasn't there and I decided that asking Noah would be the best way for me to find out what was going on.

Noah had kept slightly leaned forward with his eyes closed. I laid a hand on his back and sat down on the chair next to him while talking to the young man.

"Noah- can you open your eyes and look at me?" He opened his eyes just a little, looked to me then looked straight forward where Burt had stopped, standing with his hands in his pockets. Noah looked up at Burt without moving his head from its spot and suddenly his eyes shot open. Before either I or Burt had the time to react he coughed, choked and threw up over the floor, his own hands and shoes, and Burt's shoes.

That was when I realized Noah Puckerman stunk of alcohol. Why I hadn't realized it earlier I couldn't think of a reason for. He closed his eyes again, then opened them again and looked at me.

"What happened Noah?" I exclaimed, he took a couple of deep breaths, Burt had gotten a trash can and now placed it in Noah's knee. I saw some of the people in the waiting room, sending disgusted glares towards our direction. The janitor came rushing talking in a language I didn't understand- but could recognize as some Scandinavian language- and he was definitely angry. A nurse came rushing as well, brought napkins and a basin. Then she disappeared again and I tried to confront the teenager again.

"Noah? Please can you tell me what happened?" He looked to me, then opened his mouth. His voice sounded tired and raspy.

"A few weeks ago…." He was interrupted when a doctor came into the room, and raised his voice over the chattering in the room.

"Finn Hudson?" I looked up, then rushed over to the doctor, Burt came after supporting Puck who did not seem so steady on his feet. I heard myself stutter questions if my Finn was alright- if I could see him, but it was like I was listening to myself from the other side of the room. The doctor took a deep breath and held up his hands to silent me before he spoke up.

"Mr. Hudson was brought in here with an over- dose of mixed alcohol and amphetamines." Amphetamines? No- no there would have to be a mix up somewhere. Not my Finn he'd never do drugs. He wouldn't do that- not to himself. It felt like hours- but was probably just a second before the doctor continued. "His heart and brain have… been damaged badly. We have done everything we can for now- but if he's gonna make it we need to do a quite big operation. And even if we do it… I can't give you any guarantees."

The room started spinning, I closed my eyes and then opened them again. I had understood what the doctor had just told me- I had been the one to tell this kind of news to many more than what I could tell. But it was like I couldn't take it in. I signed the papers that was needed for the surgery to get done, and then sat down again. Burt pushed Noah onto a chair two seats away from me and then sat down in between us.

We had barely sat down when another nurse came rushing into the waiting room. I recognized her as Annie Charles, she had worked at Lima memorial with me in the ER until she moved a couple of years ago. She came into the room, looked around until she spotted me, I stood up as she came over and embraced me.

"They're taking him into the OR now." Just as she said that doctors came pushing a bed in front of them. And already before I could see his face the tall, muscular body- build was easy recognizable as my Finn. Without thinking I pushed Annie out of the way and rushed to Finn's side. I wasn't aware of the fact that Annie told the doctors to stop for a moment as I ran to Finn's side, carefully pulled a hair over the brown tresses and kissed his forehead.

"I love you." I whispered. "Stay strong okay. You're gonna be fine." I pulled away again, Burt laid his hands at my shoulders, as we walked back to Annie and Noah. Annie was talking to Noah, he nodded a few times, and then Annie stood up and faced me.

"I can give you a room here until Finn's surgery is over. I can give Noah some muscle relaxants so he won't be sick too much. Then something against the headache and an IV- you can all have a bed to sleep in. It would be better than just hang around here for the whole morning." I nodded as Annie led me through the ER and into a room furthest down the hall. Burt had scooped up Noah and came after me, laying the teenager down in the first of three beds in the room.

Annie set an IV in Noah's arm, gave him some pills and then embraced me one more time. Then she told us to come out and ask for her if there was anything we needed. When she walked out Burt crawled up in the middle bed, he asked me if I wanted him to stay awake but I just shook my head and just minutes later his snoring seemed to be echoing in the quiet room.

I myself- I pushed the bed over to the wall and sat down and used the wall as a back- support. The clock on my cellphone read 3:15, an hour had passed since I got that phone call. But it felt like everything had passed so quickly, but at the same time it felt as if several hours should have gone by.

I rested my head backwards and watched Burt sleep, he had rolled over to his side and therefore he wasn't snoring as bad anymore, his shoulders and chest move in rhythm with his breathing. He looked so peaceful- I could sit like this for hours and watch Burt sleep. I used to do it at night when Burt had cancer, as if to be sure he was still breathing and staying with me.

It was too hard keeping still so I walked over to Noah's bed. I felt his forehead with my palm and then ran a hand over his hair. That was when I realized his hair was drenched in something. I could tell probably some alcoholic drink by the smell. But it had dried and created big clumps of hair. I thought for a moment, then walked out of the room and found Annie, I asked her where I could find a bowl with water and a couple of clothes, she smiled. Told me that she'd get it and I walked back.

"Aren't you afraid you might wake him up?" Annie asked me when I dipped one of the cloths in the water and washed of Noah's face. I looked up at her, then shook my head.

"I've known Noah since he was a little kid- believe me- world war three could pass right on the street and he'd sleep right through it." I said it more of an old habit than to joke, as I dripped water down on his hair and started brushing through it with my fingers. "I need to keep on going- this is going to be a long night and there's no point with just sitting right up and down staring in front of me." Annie nodded and walked out of the room.

I continued washing of Noah's hair with the cloth and like I thought he barely even reacted. I did it for much longer than I'd actually have to, to keep myself going mostly. Just to keep my mind of what was happening to my Finn for the moment.

Twenty minutes past four in the morning I poured out the water in the sink in the room, and then I sat down on the bunk again. I had slept two hours since yesterday morning but falling asleep now felt like something that would be impossible.

At a quarter to five Annie came into the room, she held two paper cups with locks on them and smiling she came over and climbed up on the bunk next to me. She handed one of the cups to me, I thanked for it and took a sip. I was tired but I would never be able to sleep so the hot coffee would do well for the moment.

"So?" Annie exclaimed. "What has it been since I moved… five years… six?" I counted and found out that it would have to be almost seven year ago since Annie had left memorial behind. I answered that and then Annie looked around the room, first to Puck- then to my husband. "So what's happened since then?" I nodded to Burt.

"I got married a few years ago." Annie nodded surprised. I nodded towards my still sleeping husband, then told her our story- more to have something to do than because I thought she might want to hear it. Burt woke up during the hour I and Annie were just sitting there talking and then came and sat down by me. After some while I, Burt and Noah were left alone again with Noah just waking up. I asked him about what had happened again, he took a deep breath and then started telling.

"It was a few weeks ago and I dragged Finn along to a party. He had been pretty stressed out for a while, lot to do in school and that stuff. Kumrath and his gang was there and they gave Finn amphetamines. He wasn't planning on taking them but he thought he'd take them just to keep awake longer and study more- you know that kind of stuff. Then he took more and more and- he took them more because he couldn't stop. So tonight there was a birthday of one of our friends and- we went out to the bar. I didn't think Finn had taken anything but he must have gotten some pills at the bar… and he drank as well…. And then some guys were pretty much pouring their beers over my head and- I thought I'd go home, take a shower and then go to sleep. I couldn't find Finn at first but then… I found him behind the bar, and I couldn't wake him up."

I put my head in my hands, I couldn't believe it. Not drugs- not my Finn. I just couldn't believe it. I knew that it was true but it felt like there would have to be some mistake- he wouldn't do drugs. My heart ached with the knowledge that he had. I flinched when the door to the room opened and Annie held the door open to a doctor whose tag named Dr. Brandon Carter.

"Mrs. Hudson?" He exclaimed, I nodded, I could see in Dr. Carter's eyes that something had gone very wrong. As he opened his mouth and spoke. "I'm afraid we've got some bad news for you." He began talking about terms and scenarios that I could barely understand at the moment, and then it came. "He's basically brain-dead. The respirator is keeping his organs alive but there is nothing more we can do now." I sunk to my knees, it was like a cold hand had gotten a grip of my heart and lungs. I couldn't breathe. I felt as if my heart should stop when Finn wasn't here, but I could hear it pounding in my ears. No- No not my Finn. Not my little boy.

Dr. Carter led me, Burt and Noah through the hallways at the hospital and at last into a room where there was only one bed. Finn laid upon there, his eyes were closed and there were wires and machines attached to him.

_Beep, beep, beep _

The respirator was keeping Finn's heart beating, it went beep with each and every one of them. I sat down on a chair that had been placed next to the bed, then lifted a hand and stroke over his dark- brown tresses, as so many times before. Burt and Noah stood on the other side of the bed, they said something but I couldn't take in what it was.

"Can… can I have a moment alone with Finn please." I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. Burt nodded and laid a hand on Noah's shoulder and the two men walked out of the room. The doctor walked out and closed the door behind him. I kept on stroking Finn's hair, opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't think of anything at first so I closed it again. For several minutes I just sat there stroking his hair, at last I opened my mouth again and spoke to him.

"Hey sweetheart." I began. "I… I love you so much. But I want you to know that… it's alright. You can let go now. I'll be alright." I tried to make my voice sounds steady and secure even though I was almost crying and I was highly doubting the fact that I'd ever be okay without my little boy.

"I… I am so proud of you Finny. Don't you ever think something else because you have been so fantastic and so brave. And I love you so much, and that's why I want you to know that it's alright to let go now." I took his big hand in my empty hand. "I'll be okay…. Say hi to dad for me okay? We'll meet again, but until then just… just be strong." I stood up, leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I love you so much. All the way to the stars, eight laps around and back again." Without knowing what more to say I started humming on don't stop believing, it was his favorite song. I had used to sing it when he was little so it meant a lot for the both of us.

I hummed through the first verse of the song and then suddenly the respirator started beeping faster when Finn's heart was giving up. Dr. Carter came rushing into the room, checked the machines as Burt came rushing to my side and Noah stood a few meters away still as a statue.

"Do you want me to…" Dr. Carter hadn't finished the sentence when I shook my head. I kept on stroking Finn's hair and felt an endless love to this young man- who would never grow older than nineteen. But I knew this was the time to let go, as I continued stroking his hair when Dr. Carter turned the respirator off and then checked his pulse and breathing.

"Time of death… six thirty seven A.M." I leaned forward over my Finn's chest and started crying worse than ever. I couldn't breathe and the pain was unbearable, as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. And yet I couldn't believe it, not drugs, not now, not gone.

"Sch, you need to breathe love." Burt said and rubbed circles on my back. I gasped trying to fill my lungs with air but it hurt too much. Burt continued talking in a soothing voice, rubbing my back while I grabbed- as off cramp around my Finn's hospital- gown.

And I could just barely hear his voice over the sound of my heart falling to pieces. And even though I knew it was true I just couldn't believe it. He couldn't be gone.

Not my Finn, not my little boy.

**This chap was going to follow a while longer but that will instead come in a few chapters as I felt it would just destroy this chapter…. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD these feels. **

**English is not my first language. **


	5. Evans

**LocalXmusicXjellybeanX: **Thank you for your review, I'm glad you liked the chapter. : )

**So… here comes the next chapter, we know Sam was living with the Hudmel's in series three right, so what if he still was living with them during series four and the shooting. Also, I am not sure about all the days like which day the shooting happened and whatever and I don't think you are either so I'm just gonna do what suits my storylines. **

**E is for Evans **

I whistled along with the song playing on the radio, looked to the side and my beautiful wife, smiled and continued whistling. False of course. I had never been one to whistle a lot but today I was in a good mood, and I had a feeling it would be a good day as I drummed with my thumbs on the steering wheel and continued whistling.

Suddenly the song was stopped- in the middle of the refrain it just stopped. I knocked the radio with one hand and as if that would help I told it to start playing that song again when it beeped and a news- message that made my inside freeze to ice came out.

"There has been a shooting at William McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio. The police is there, they haven't found any injured and no gun man. The police tells the multitude in Lima to watch out for someone with a gun- there are no more information for the moment but if there is we will keep you updated." I had braked as hard as I could already at the first sentence, already before the second beep was over I- without a word- made a U- turn and drove as fast as I could towards McKinley.

I could feel my heart beating in my ears- as the voice of the news- reporter echoed in my head. No injured? What if there was someone that was but hadn't been found. Had they checked the choir room? What if…?

I quickly looked to Carole- just one quick look told me Carole was at least as afraid as me. I couldn't breathe but yet didn't even realize I was hyperventilating. I held out my hand between the seats and Carole put her hand in mine. I squeezed it- partly to support her and partly to make a failed attempt to calm myself down, before I skid into the McKinley parking lot and stopped without even see if I had parked it right.

Both I and Carole opened the car- doors before I had even stopped the car and almost right away spotted Mr. Schuester on the other side of it and ran over to him. Will put his bag on the asphalt and then leaned against his car with his hands in his pockets.

"Are you alright?" Carole immediately went straight over to Will and pulled him into a tight embrace. Will looked tired but apart from that he did seem alright as he shoved his hands back in his pockets and leaned back towards his car. He nodded at first, and suddenly I saw how he looked so distant. His eyes looked like he wasn't actually here, he slowly came back, cleared his throat and sighed.

"We were in the choir room- ehrm." Will seemed to look for the right words. "Everyone's alright- though shaken of course. Sam went to walk Brittany home, I… I need to go home." Without another word Will got in his car and drove away.

"Let's go home in case Sam comes." I mumbled, more to say something at all than anything else, as I put my arms around Carole's shoulders and walked towards the car. I did everything per automat, started the car, drove out and towards our street without even noticing what was around me. Now when I look back at that drive, I'm so happy we didn't meet anyone because then we probably would have been in a crash. But we safely made it onto our driveway, and I just stepped over the threshold when my phone called with the tones of Kurt singing defying gravity.

That was my signal for when Kurt called, of course it was him who had talked me into using it. And I could never tell him no at those points. I knew that Kurt had heard about the shooting at McKinley already before I heard his panic- ridden voice in the phone and spent the next half an hour talking Kurt into staying in New York and not catch the first, best plane to Lima to come here. At last we compromised and I told him I'd pay for plane- tickets so he could come home two days earlier than planned during the mid- term holidays.

I heated up water and made tea for both me and Carole- to say that we were both shaken of what had happened would be an understatement. I sat down next to Carole, pulled her close and started stroking my palm up and down her arm. Just then we heard a car skid down into the parking lot, and soon someone stomping on the porch steps. The door flew open and both Finn and Puck came running in.

Finn was talking fast, Puck pushing in a word here and we couldn't hear a word of what any of them were saying. Carole stood up- talked the boys into going back to college and come back in the weekend. Sam would probably be pretty messed up when he came home and more people here would be about the last thing he needed. The boys weren't happy yet they had to understand that it would probably be easier for Sam if they came back in a week or two when things had calmed down a bit.

Then I sat with Carole in the sofa again, stroke her arm- tea- cups still untouched and getting colder and colder. After yet another half an hour there was steps heard on the porch steps and Sam came through the door.

"Sam." Carole exclaimed and rushed towards the hallway with me right after. Sam had barely come inside the door when Carole pulled him into a tight embrace. Sam- like Will- seemed exhausted and shaken but apart from that unhurt. After Carole had barely let go of him I myself did give him a quick hug before laying a hand on his back and lead him towards the living room. Sam's movement was slow and stiff, as if he had to tell his body how to do every single movement one at the time.

"Is there anything I can get you honey?" Carole asked after Sam had sat down in the sofa, while she sat down next to him and started brushing his fingers through his blonde hair. Sam hesitated for a while then mumbled something I could barely catch at "spacemonkey"

I smiled, turned around and walked upstairs. Sam had "introduced" us to his stuffed monkey when he had the flu a few weeks ago. When I came downstairs again I held Spacemonkey in my hands and Sam took it and pulled it close to his chin and chest with one hand while with the other he opened his laptop and called his mum on Skype.

"Hi Sammy." Mary Evans answered, and her light tone was enough to tell me that she hadn't heard of the shooting yet. Sam started telling her what had happened and I left the room, after about half an hour Sam came into my office where I sat by the computer and Carole right behind me on the sofa I had put in there for her and the boys.

"Mum couldn't get free from work so she'll come on Friday night." Sam still looked exhausted and miserable, he had his arm around Spacemonkey's abdomen and his arm raised so he had the stuffed animal clutched to his chest. Carole asked if there was anything we could do but Sam just shook his head, sat down next to Carole and just as he had sat down the very last of his energy almost visible ran off him.

Sam pulled Spacemonkey closer to his chest and leaned against the back of the sofa, Carole was playing with his hair and as he was somewhere between falling asleep and being awake he fell forward and fell asleep fully with his head on her lap.

I went into the living room and got a pillow to tuck under Sam's head but Carole stayed there for the while Sam was sleeping. Carole's motherly instincts had never been for just Finn- they were for everyone who would need it or not. And right now Sam needed it. Carole thought Sam wouldn't want to be alone when he woke up so she sat there for almost an hour.

I continued working on the computer, paying bills, sending E- mails and that kind of stuff until I as quietly as I could- not to wake up the teenager- stood up and walked out in the kitchen. Sam and Carole came out again, Sam still looked a bit tired, as he walked upstairs and Carole started the dinner.

"Hey guess who's visiting?" Sam came out in the kitchen seemingly not at all tired anymore and asked us a bit too excited. "My twin brother Evan… have you seen him?" Evan? Who on earth was Evan? Did Sam have a twin- brother we'd never heard of before or… what was this? "Oh his calling… hi bro I was just looking for you." Sam went out from the room and I looked to Carole who seemed at least as confused as I was.

"It's probably some aftermath from the shooting." Carole stated. "We'll just have to go along with it. Should be alright in a few days." I nodded just as Sam came into the room speaking in his phone with a weird accent, he had also pulled his shirt off- hung it over his shoulders and pulled on a pair of glasses.

"Okay bro. Then I know." He hung up and put the phone in his pockets. "You must be Burt and Carole… Evan Evans." Sam… Evan… whoever it was shook my hand. "Evan Evans. My brother has told me a lot about you and I'm telling you, you Madame is at least as beautiful as he states… Have you seen him by the way?.. Oh he's calling… Hi Sammy… where are you?" Evan went out the room and I looked to Carole- still confused and pretending to be offended by the fact that someone else had called her beautiful, she just laughed, shook her head and hit me playfully with the kitchen- towel.

Sam came back into the kitchen a while later and told us that "Evan" was going out down- town having dinner and spending time with some old friends during most part of the afternoon as he sat down by the table and started eating.

"Evan" came back to our house later that night when I and Carole were watching TV. He laid down in the sofa and made himself comfortable. "Pretty comfy here… mind if I stay here tonight? If not I could always call a friend or something?" He looked up at us.

"No…" Carole began. "Of course you can stay here honey, but we can always make one of the boys' room for you if you'd…" She hadn't had the time to finish the sentence before Sam… hrm… Evan interrupted.

"Thanks but no thanks. I'm… good here." Sam slash Evan's voice seemed more and more drowsy- not strange with thinking about what he'd been through today. Carole stood up and pulled Evan's glasses off, placing them on the coffee table only to- two seconds later have Evan stand up pull on the glasses and walk out of the living room mumbling something about Jackson.

Evan came back with Sam's Spacemonkey. I guessed that this was another thing that Sam and Evan shared- only Evan called it Jackson. Evan laid down again, Carole yet again stood up and pulled the glasses off and placed them off, he looked up for a split second.

"Would you mind leaving the TV on tonight?" Carole shook her head and answered him no while combing her fingers through his hair. She leaned forward and placed a light kiss on his forehead and raised a little, while almost whispering that if he'd need anything he'd just have to come and get one of us. Right after that, I and Carole walked upstairs to our room and bed. Carole quickly fell asleep with her head resting against my shoulder- my arms wrapped around her. But I couldn't fall asleep. I just laid there, staring up in the ceiling and playing with Carole's hair until long after midnight.

I couldn't believe it. I knew it had happened yet I just couldn't. Not a shooting! That stuff happens somewhere else. In big cities, in places where students or other people were fighting for what they believed in so someone would think it was a threat and therefore wanting to get rid of as many as possible. Not Lima, Ohio and certainly not at McKinley.

At the same time I was almost ashamed of how relieved I was that Kurt wasn't there. That he'd graduated from McKinley and that it hadn't been at NYADA. I was almost ashamed of how clear it was to me that I was happy that Kurt hadn't been there. That I hadn't been one of the parents twitching my hands and waiting for the phone call that would tell me if my son was alright or… not!

When Kurt's mum died all those years ago- he had at first had an imaginary friend named Madelyn. It was Madelyn that was there during the nights when he laid crying into his pillow, it was Madelyn who held his other hand- the one I didn't- when we were standing by Liz's headstone. When Kurt dressed up in his mother clothes such as dresses and heels he was simply just playing dress up with Madelyn.

The way Sam used Evan reminded me of the way Kurt had used Madelyn. As a way of simply just get out of the world and blame someone else. Someone who'd never would be there to take the punishment if there would be one needed. Someone who would always be there when you needed- just so you wouldn't have to be alone.

Madelyn had been there every day for almost a year. Then simply one day she had just been gone. Would so be the case for Sam and Evan as well? Would Evan come and go every now and then for a year? Two years? Longer? With the thought of that I hoped he wouldn't made me fell asleep just as the clock changed from 3:59 to 4:00 AM.

Thursday afternoon was quite similar to Wednesday, Evan and Sam came and went. Always ended with one of them pretending that the cell was calling, to run out and come back as the other one. I just dealt with it- wasn't much else to do at this point, the only thing different at this point was actually that Evan told us he was doing homework. Apparently Evan was super- smart.

At Friday when I came home from work the blonde teenager- whoever it was right now sat by the kitchen table- resting his head against his hand and his elbow heavily on the table. I asked pretty much joking if he was Sam or Evan. The boy looked up and sighed, then smiled slightly.

"Evan is gone. I am Sam… Sam I am." He mumbled drowsily, and by the time Carole came home ten minutes later Sam laid with his head on the table- sleeping tightly. I carefully walked to lift him but laid him down in the living room sofa instead of the room upstairs. Carole had guessed already on Wednesday night that wanting to sleep in the living room with the TV on probably had to do with the fact that he didn't want to be alone.

Carole made dinner but told me to let Sam sleep. The last few days must have been exhausting to him- more exhausting than we could ever imagine, the food could be heated up in the microwave when he woke up.

Ten minutes past eight when Sam was half- sitting in the sofa watching some series there was a knock on the door and Mary Evans came inside. She had barely stepped over the threshold when Sam pulled her up into his arms and she wrapped her arms around him and answered the embrace.

Right there, right then everything Sam had built up to hide his feeling cracked. It started with a half- suppressed sofa but got further into wilder and wilder and wilder sobs. Mary rocked her son a bit and I and Carole made our way to the kitchen but I still couldn't help to hear some of the words.

"Sch. Sch Sammie. It's okay mummy's right here. Sch you're safe now." I glanced back at them one last time before closing the door and the love between the woman and the young man- younger yet much bigger- was almost visible as I closed the door to the kitchen.

"He'll be alright." I exclaimed more to have something to say than to the fact that Carole didn't already know that. She nodded in agreement and leaned against my shoulder as I sat down next to her.

"He will… he's a strong boy." And I knew that he was- stronger than I could ever imagine.

**So that's it… Spacemonkey is introduced in my story "I want my mummy" and well… I'm not too happy with this chapter but I guess it's alright. **

**Oh and when Burt thinks that shooting happens on places where people fight for what they believe in- I was half of half referring to the Utoya- massacre- that was a political camp so I hope you get that. But- as if you know me you will know- that is not in any way trying to be disrespectful to any victims of July the twenty second in 2011 or at any other shooting. **

**English is not my first language **


	6. Finn

**LocalXmusicXjellybeanX: **Yeah wasn't Evan hilarious when we saw him in the series? I wish they had had more of him too, like kept him for a couple of episodes or so.

**Precious- passenger: **Thank you so much for all of your reviews and for reading this story. Agreed that it was super- cute of Burt to buy Alice for Carole. For Brothers- I'm glad you liked that title and yeah I can totally picturing that happening too. And yes, I can totally imagine that Burt would always try to be strong, even in front of his closest and then when he just cracks…. Well you know. Agreed, poor, dear Sammy. I'm happy you read the D- chapter and hopefully you didn't find it too depressing "I and Bamse sends some hugs" Yeah, it's adorable how Carole takes care of others to take care of herself… poor woman needs to… well… catch a break and take care of herself some time.

**So, there is an A/N I'm leaving in the newest chapter of each and every one of my stories. So also in this one, even if it's quite new. But… however, here it is for this story. **

**When I look back, ten, fifteen years ago more or less. I'm not ever gonna be able to say the six months during end of summer 2013 and forward was, over- all a good time or easy to get through. And that is because it simply wasn't. Things were harsh and as soon as I had just a little bit of control something new happened and I was pushed right to the bottom again. **

**But the thing was, even in my very darkest of times, fanfiction became sort of a… I don't really know how to say it- for me. Even when I felt as if I wasn't good for anything or for anyone. I knew that here- on fanfiction maybe if I wasn't always good I would always be enough. And you have no idea how much it's meant to me these last months that here I wouldn't always have to be on top. People would appreciate what I was doing anyway. **

**So to you- yeah, just you who are reading this. Thank you. There is no way I could have done it and gotten through things, and then get better without you. **

**F is for Finn **

I sat by the kitchen table, with a few photos of Finn. One from when they won nationals, one of me and him by his graduation, one of him and Will by the graduation, a picture of the whole glee club and then my favorite. A picture of me, him, Burt and Kurt at mine and Burt's wedding. I smiled softly, yet still with tears starting to form in my eyes.

That was when I heard the patter of feet with claws coming closer, and Alice came walking, she laid her chin at the sofa next to me and I laid my hand on her head and buried my hand I the dark- brown fur to scratch it, then I held out the photo where Finn held the nationals- trophy where Alice could look- or more likely sniff at it.

"See that boy?" I half- whispered to her. "See him, you know who that is? That's Finn!" Alice turned from the photo and jumped up with her front paws on the sofa, and then looked to me with her best (worst) puppy eyes. "Okay." I clapped the sofa, she jumped up and lade her head on my leg. "But don't tell Burt about it okay."

I lifted a photo album from the table, put the photos I had taken out back in it and then started riffling through it from the beginning. We had sorted the photos from the oldest to the newest and it started with a photo of me- pregnant with Finn with Chris laying with his ear against my stomach. The newest a photo of Finn sitting smiling by the kitchen table while he was at ours for his birthday in March only about a month and a half before he… before he died.

I riffled through a part of it, came to the picture of he and his dad when Finn was three. First day of pre- school, I swallowed, tried to swallow the big lump that was raising in my throat. I got to a photo from when Finn might have been eight or nine. He and Noah were at a Tivoli- and they had managed to won each colorful stuffed dinosaur.

I stroke away tears from my cheeks and held the photo to Alice- yeah sure, she probably just barely saw it- if she saw it she didn't understand it. But somehow- it made me feel good to show Alice Finn. As if she really would get to know him that way.

"See that? That's also Finn. And that boy, his name is Noah. Noah is quite a lot older than that now. You'll meet him in a few days when both Noah and some others of Finn's old friends come over." Today was three days until the day it would be one year since Finn had passed away. I felt so… It felt as if it had been only yesterday I had been holding on to Finn's body and cried for hours, yet at the same time it felt like years and years must have passed since that early morning.

I continued to riffle with the different scrapbooks, and after a while I came upon a photo of Kurt and Finn from when Kurt was playing football. I knew Finn had quit already the first thing he did the next week but- when memories of Finn during that week started playing in my head I couldn't help but smile. Finn had not been very sure about what to think about Kurt and football from when he came home on Friday night almost jumping when he told me about how Kurt had scored apparently really nice- I couldn't help to smile even though tears were still rolling down my cheeks.

Alice would usually either be sleeping, just lying there waiting for someone to come and scratch her belly or jumping around seeking for attention. Except for times like this, when one of us were sad- especially me, she'd just lay there, if we were sitting down at the moment she'd lay her chin on our legs and just be there. As if she knew what we were feeling and wanted to give comfort.

I laid the album at the table again and continuing to stroke her head I laid my head down at Alice's back, tears dripping from my eyes down at Alice's dark brown, wavy fur. Alice just laid there as if to say that I could stay there. I heard Burt come from his office and into the living room, I heard him come into the living room and walked over the floor. Then I felt the fabric of the sofa move when he sat down by me.

He laid a hand on my back at first and then pulled me close I moved to leaning my head against his shoulder when I broke down crying again. I felt Alice move, she moved to lay down in between us and the back of the sofa, then reached up and started licking my chin, I lifted my hand and started stroking her fur again.

I didn't really know for how long we sat there, but suddenly we heard steps onto the porch steps and the door opened in the hallway, Alice immediately shot up, jumped across the sofa and down and then ran out in the hallway during barking and jumping, and there was no way we could be mistaken on the high- pitched and the deeper voice that greeted Alice, I had already leaned further back but Burt still held a hand on my cheek wiping away tears that just kept streaming, I nodded towards the hallway to show him he could go, Burt hesitated at first then stood up and walked out where Kurt and Blaine were just coming out of the hallway and into the living room.

"Kurt." Burt spread out his arms and threw them around his son. "My boy." Blaine had lifted up Alice and she was licking his chin and cheeks, Blaine just chuckled and then put her down to give Burt a quick hug. Kurt came to me and spread his arms out, I did the same.

"Carole," he said quietly "How are you doing?" I moved my head a bit to the right and to the left as I didn't really know what to say. This would mean about- it's going up and it's going down, I brainstormed and then opened my mouth and told him.

"Well… they're getting better… slowly… I was just looking at some old photos." Kurt leaned down and lifted up Alice while Blaine hugged me too, Blaine had been staying with me and Burt the last few months before he went to New York and medical school so I guessed he would be staying at ours now as well, which he confirmed with an apologetic tone in his voice while asking if it would be alright if he'd stay here.

"So this is Alice?!" Kurt said and scratched her behind the ear. I answered him yes, then explained how we had found her and then showed them some pictures from when Alice had come here and forward on my phone. The night we had found Alice she was so tiny, now when I looked at the photos she seemed even tinier to me than what she had done that night.

"You guys weren't gonna arrive until Friday night." Burt said when he came out in the kitchen with coffee and tea for us all. Kurt and Blaine just smiled and said that they had both gotten a few days off school to come here a bit earlier to surprise us.

Sunday the 27:th would be one year since Finn died and I'd have to admit, I wasn't looking forward to the day. For several weeks I had been nervous about it, planning on what to do to and calling up all of Finn's old friends- whom big parts of them would be here during a few hours in the afternoon.

"Rachel's in Lima too now, she went home to her dads. She'll come here tomorrow." Kurt said. And then we just sat there, no one did say anything else, there were times when words weren't needed and this was one of those moments. And so the days went on. When Rachel had been in Lima the past year she had been spending a lot of time here, close to Kurt, close to Blaine- close to me, but this time Rachel seemed so… unlike herself.

She didn't actually speak much, she seemed so thoughtful and she was avoiding to look some of us- especially looking me in the eyes. She wouldn't stay and it almost was as if she was avoiding all of us. In some way she reminded me of a child feeling guilty about something, I asked her about it but she said it was nothing- she was just nervous about Saturday. But the boys said she had been acting weirdly for weeks- in other words, I wasn't the only one who noticed how weird she seemed, at night on Friday I laid and told Burt what I had seen.

"She seems so weird, it's as if she's feeling guilty about something." Burt just groaned and rolled over at his side of the bed. "Burt, are you listening to me?" He groaned again, I slightly hit him with my palm over the head and he nodded and sat up and laid his arm around my shoulders. "I was talking about Rachel, she seems so weird. It's like she's feeling guilty about something." I bit my lip thinking.

"She's probably just nervous about tomorrow." Burt yawned, I shook my head and told Burt what the boys had told me. "Listen, if Rachel's feeling bad about something, she'll come right out and tell you when she's ready, don't…" He yawned again. "Don't you worry." Burt laid down again and soon his snores started filling the room, but I couldn't fall asleep. I just sat there and thought, watching the clock drawing closer and closer to the 27:th.

Was Burt right? Was Rachel just feeling nervous about tomorrow? Maybe I should believe that was the explanation of Rachel's odd behavior, but I couldn't shake the feeling off that it was something I had missed. At last, at two minutes before midnight I lifted the photo of Finn from my bedside table and stroke the picture of him smiling to me.

"I wish you were here Finny." I said with my voice breaking. "You'd know what to do. You knew her better than any of us." I took a shaking breath and looked up just to see the clock switch from 11:59 to 12:00, in other words, we were at the 27:th. I put the photo back and laid my head to the pillow, Burt didn't wake up again but Alice came tripping over the floor and I lifted her up, and before she fell asleep with her head on my pillow, she used her tongue to lick away the tears rolling down my cheeks.

The next day was unusually quiet. Everyone ate their breakfast quietly, a few starts of conversation was tried but there wasn't anyone continuing them so they faded. I looked around, then started remembering, when Finn was here, when he'd always gabble about football, glee club and Rachel, talked, gesticulated and smiled. And that was when I knew- and that was when I finally knew what to say and what to do later that day.

At noon Rachel came, half an hour later Noah and Jake too, then Sam and Mercedes, Tina, Sean, Santana, Quinn, Will, Artie, Mike, Brittany, Marley, Unique and Ryder and at last- Joe, "God bless you Mrs. Hudson" Joe greeted me with, I came and greeted everyone by the door, embraced them all and then showed them to go into the living room. At last, after it had passed half past two I realized no one else would come and walked out to them.

Alice ran around and was greeting yet one yet another of our guests, seeming all confused about who she would greet first. Kurt, Blaine and Rachel had walked out in the kitchen to get something so the first minutes were spent about every- day- talk. Asking Will how Emma was doing with the pregnancy, and asking the others how they were doing at their respective schools, the atmosphere was still sense and I hoped that what I'd have to say later would lighten it up.

"So guys." I spoke up when we were all gathered again. "I… well, we all know why we're here. Today is one year since… since Finn passed away." I leaned forward and grabbed a tissue from the box at the table. "But the thing is… before Finn left us, he had nineteen wonderful years… filled with friends, and love and happiness… and sadness and rivals too for that matter. But… I thought we would start with say one thing each and tell one memory of Finn- a memory that makes you… smile, or laugh even when you're sad…" I looked around, some of the others looked confused, but I hoped that this would make sense to them later. "So… who shall go first?" I looked around again, several quiet seconds passed by until Noah spoke up.

"I… I remember when Finn first had joined New Directions, and he was trying to keep that a secret but when he missed football I asked him why so he came up with that you, Carole had gone through surgery to remove your prostate." There were a few spread laughter's in the room but most people still seemed too stiff and tense to laugh. Several minutes during silence passed by until Sean spoke up.

"After I was paralyzed, Finn was the only one who would still treat me the same as he did before. He drove my chair out on the football pitch and then stood and threw the ball towards me, he knew I couldn't catch it but he did it so I would still feel the same." I smiled, that was totally my Finn, thinking outside the box in those matters like when Sean was paralyzed.

"After I fainted at sectionals," Marley spoke up. "Finn was the only one in New Directions that wasn't blaming me…. And I still… I still think about him when things are getting hard again, and it always makes me go on." This time it wasn't more than a couple of seconds before Rachel spoke up, and with a shaking voice she began telling about the Christmas present- well, what did I say about Finn thinking outside the box.

"He… he named a star… and first he was going to name it Rachel Berry after me. But then he thought that… there already was a star here down on earth. And he said that that was me. And then, instead of naming the star Rachel Berry, he named it Finn Hudson… so whenever we'd need him, we can just look up to the skies and know that he is there." There wasn't a dry eye in the room when Rachel finished. And then Sam spoke up, at the same time as Blaine, slowly the tense atmosphere started to lighten up and I knew my plan had succeeded, Blaine finished talking about when he visited Finn at college and they had spent the whole night playing cards because the electricity was out and they didn't have anything else to do- that turned out to be the last time Blaine saw Finn.

"Finn gathered money from the whole glee club to buy me my guitar back after I pawned it… That really did mean a lot." Sam exclaimed and then Will spoke up about how he'd gotten Finn to join New Directions with tricking him that he'd found drugs in Finn's locker, then Will turned to me and told me how Finn had begged him not to tell me about it.

I mostly sat quietly and listened to the others, laughed at the fun memories slightly and scratched Alice behind her ears where she had laid down over my lap. At last I heard Unique tell how Finn had wanted her to have the role in grease that probably few others had given to her. Then they all looked to me.

"You seem to be the only one left to tell a memory." Burt said and took my hand in his, I took a deep breath and pulled my fingers into Alice's fur, she just sighed with prosperous and continued resting her head on my leg. I didn't really have any idea of which memory to tell them about, there were so many. Then I thought about one and immediately knew which one.

"When Finn was two months old Chris- Finn's dad was called to come to Afghanistan for a year. He did, then in January- just about a month before Finn's first birthday **(A/N: The glee wikia says Finn's birthday was in August, but to do that I'll have to change tons of different things in my stories so- I'll continue to go with my own dates) **Chris was hurt, and he was sent to a hospital- in Afghanistan then. I was of course- out of my mind with worry but then received the news that he'd be okay- yet not come home until several months later. So well, there wasn't much left to do then to let life go on and well… my days revolved around Finn- and at the moment trying to teach him to say "mum"" I sighed at the memory yet smiled and looked around to see several- actually everybody smiling.

"…And we had this book with pictures of Chris, and I used to read the story about Chris every night and show him the picture, then, at Finn's birthday I hadn't been talking to Chris for a while. And don't ask me how Chris managed but… suddenly there was a knock on the door and when I opened it- and I was holding onto Finn- Chris was standing there, he had to use crutches from the injury but in his mouth he held a bunch of red roses for me and under his arm this huge package from Finn." Tears were yet again rolling down my cheeks, Burt held a hand on my shoulder and there were snivels and sobs from the others as well as from me.

"And Finn- who I had been trying for weeks to teach how to say "mum" holds up his hands and just screeches "Da-da" Hold on, I think I got a picture that day." I stood up and got an album from when Finn was little out of a cupboard, most pictures was of Finn, but there was one shot of Chris before he had even gotten inside the door. With those roses still in his mouth, package under his arm and one crutch in each hand he looked just as adorable as he had always done.

I started passing around the photo and then got out another photo, also of Finn's first birthday with Chris sitting in his chair holding up Finn standing on Chris's knee, and passed around that too. Passing around the photos where followed by aw's and smiles and laughter's about how Chris held those roses.

"See?" I said at last. "When times gets hard, these are the things we got to remember, because even when things are at their very hardest we need to remember that there are lights in the dark, and that it will get better. Because- after all those nineteen years of- happiness and…. Everything that Finn gave us- us being happy is everything that he would have wanted… and another thing, just because Finn isn't here anymore and Kurt and Blaine lives in New York, it doesn't mean you're welcome here. Because he would have wanted all of his friends to be happy and have what they need- so whatever it is you need- a place to stay, a meal, a loan- you're always welcome here."

"How about advice?" Rachel spoke up and she twisted her hands nervously on her lap. "I… I'm working on funny girl right now and there recently came this new boy into the set and he… he... he makes me happy… and… he makes me feel like Finn used to." Rachel was crying but she smiled. "And he's asked me to be his girlfriend and I… I want to but… it makes me wonder what… what Finn would think." I stood up and walked over to kneel down in front of Rachel with taking her hands in mine.

"Rachel… he would have wanted you to be happy, and more than anything else I think he'd wanted you not to be alone. So…. If this guy makes you happy and treats you well…" I leaned a bit forward and almost whispered to her. "…go for it. And you know, I've been where you are. And you might think that it's too soon but, the feelings doesn't have time in their system, and even if it then takes a year or ten, you're gonna get stuck thinking it's too soon, and if there's anything Finn wouldn't want, it's just that."

"So who's the guy?" Blaine asked and smirked, Rachel hesitated at first and bit her lip with smiling and that special sparkle in her eyes that she would have had whenever she was thinking or looking at my son.

"Theodor Bailey" she answered after hesitating and started searching her phone for a picture, then she showed it to me with her and a boy, he was tall, had dark blonde hair and the fourth cutest smile of a boy ever- after Chris, Burt and Finn then of course.

"Theo" Kurt exclaimed. "Isn't that the guy with the annoying cockney accent?" I stood up and walked over to sit by Burt and lifted Alice onto my lap again while Burt laid his arm around my shoulder and stroke my arm. Kurt and Blaine looked to each other, nodded and at the exact same time they exclaimed.

"Wicked!"

**Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…. Seriously adorable. I was gonna continue with letting Carole meet Theo, but as dad isn't home and I haven't got his friend anywhere close I haven't really got anyone that really knows cockney accents to help me with it. I might bring him in later in the story though. **

**Did you know that in Finn's address on the wikia it first says his address when he lived and then "heaven"… Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

**Oh and Blaine living with Burt and Carole and going to medical school… you'll have to wait to next chapter. **

**The day English is my first language I think we could start looking for flying pigs! **


	7. Gay

**Precious- passenger: **Awww, yeah, I left many places open because I couldn't come up with enough memories. As well, Brittany is a character I'd rather not write for, she's so… special- really hard to write. Yeah, I thought a lot about what Carole's memory would be but I'm very happy with how it turned out. Yep, Alice really comforts her- everybody else too but Carole is top priority- for once- which is really good. Ehrm… this isn't going to be cheerful, but I'll try to come up with a more cheerful once- though I've already got a plan for the H- chapter.

**So… we're on G, which means that we're through the first line of letters in the alphabet- with the Swedish alphabet. You guys have five letters in each line have you? Well, we have three more letters so every line in the alphabet has seven letters, and therefore G is the ending of the first **

**G is for Gay **

I sat by the kitchen table at home, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be happy or sad by this point. I was thinking partly about my marriage with Kurt- even though it had been almost two months since I proposed it filled my head most of the time and whenever it did I was just filled up with so much joy I highly doubted that anyone would have ever been as happy as I was now.

But at the same time- there was Finn, today there had almost four weeks since he died of that overdose. Almost four weeks since I got that call from Burt, telling me to pick up Kurt and Rachel from the airport and instantly come to the Hudson Hummel's to get to know the most terrible news that have ever reached my ears.

And it felt like I couldn't- that I shouldn't think about Finn and be happy at the same time. It was still too soon, still too painful. Sometimes I could think of a memory- like how we won nationals or that last time I saw him when we sat in his room at college playing cards the whole night. Then I'd smile, laugh at what he said, but it quickly stopped.

It just didn't feel right. Being happy when I knew that Finn was gone. It just didn't feel right feeling good when me- and so many of my friends were hurting so badly. It just didn't feel right laughing when I should be crying.

I was woken up from my thoughts when I heard the door click, my parents had been on a business trip since regionals. They had been gone when I proposed to Kurt, they had been gone when Finn died, during all those nights when I laid staring into the ceiling my mind miraculously not blowing up with memories of Finn- they had been gone. My dad- maybe it was for the best, but when mum came into the kitchen, rushed across the floor and embraced me I knew just how much I had missed her.

"Oh B. I have missed you so much, are you okay?" Mum knew about what had happened to Finn, though I had chosen not to tell about Kurt because I wanted to tell her in person and not over the phone. I just stood still for a moment, let mum hold me while I held her.

"Well," I began at last and pulled back a bit. "It's… it's tough I guess." I pulled a hand through my gelled hair. Then took a deep breath to tell mum what had happened between me and Kurt since she last was here.

"Mum." I felt a smile begin to form at my lips even though I was still thinking about Finn. "There is something that you need to know," my mum was very curious of nature and was already at this point almost jumping. "I… I proposed to Kurt… he said yes. We're getting married" Her mouth to fell open and for a moment she almost seemed paralyzed, then slowly her smile grew bigger and bigger and she took me up in her arms again.

"Really?" Her eyes were shining, I nodded. "Blaine, that's fantastic news…. Gosh…" she made a happy, screeching noise. "You're getting married to the love of your life…" She was going to continue but that was when the door to the kitchen flew up with a bang and my dad came into the room, breathing heavily, red in the face of anger.

"You're… doing…. What?" he fizzled, spitting in my face, I hesitated for a moment, I was afraid of my dad- almost everybody was. He was a homophobic racist… excuse me… bastard. But then I decided really not to take it anymore, I looked up at him sternly and forcing my voice to sound steady I simply said.

"I'm marrying Kurt." I knew there was a blow coming, but it still caught me with surprise and sent me flying across the kitchen. The area around my eye burned, but… I didn't know where it came from… but I wasn't going to take it anymore, with my eye still throbbing I stood up and looked sternly to my dad.

"Please… Simon, please don't." Mum begged crying, I ordered her to go outside of the room, drive away and come back in the morning when dad had calmed her down. She was crying, still begging dad about not to hurt me.

"Jade." Dad turned to mum. "Do what Blaine tells you." While crying she walked out of the room, we heard her footsteps, the door and then the car starting. I watched my dad come closer, his eyes burning with anger but I wasn't going to show him I was afraid- not this time.

The very last thing I could remember from that time, is another blow sending me across the kitchen and making my head hit the cupboard.

"Ugh." I moaned and my eyes slowly fluttered open. I laid on the kitchen floor as so many times before, my head ached, especially the area around my left eye. My ribs ached too, there was a taste of blood in my mouth and my lip was swollen.

I slowly pushed myself up, I'd have to leave- come back later when dad had called me. When mum had begged me to come back, not to just leave her there. When dad swore he'd make it up to me. Maybe in the morning, maybe the day after, but I needed to get away.

Every move made my body ache as I walked up the stairs, I quickly got my bag and packed a bit of fruit and biscuits I was keeping in a drawer under my bed for times like this, a few sets of underwear and a T- shirt and sweatpants. That would do so long, as I slowly pulled on sweat pants and a hoodie- with the hoodie pulled up to cover the bruises on my face.

My car was one of those presents dad gave me after hitting me, as he said- making it up to me. I didn't like the thought of him doing that- no one would but- I'd have to admit it was pretty useful as I got out to it, threw my bag in the backseat and then quickly drove out of our parking lot. I didn't really have any idea of where I was writing, but suddenly I recognized the Hudson- Hummel's driveway and- as for a miracle that was when my car ran out of fuel

"Oh come on." I hit the steering wheel as if that would help, I didn't know why- but I couldn't stand there in the road so with the last of fuel I turned towards the driveway and drove up, then the car died.

I tipped the seat backwards, didn't know what else to do. Kurt was back in New York and I didn't want to be impolite with coming here a late evening, I had pulled the threads in the hoodie making the opening only small if anyone would see me. Five minutes later I was happy I had done that when there was a knock on the car window.

I raised the seat again and rolled down the window to see Burt Hummel standing there, he made a quite failed attempt to smile at me, then asked me what was bringing me here.

"Kurt's in New York. Sam's visiting his family." He said, I just nodded and answered him I knew. "Is there anything you wanted?" I shook my head, it went silent for a while. "Is there any fuel in the motor?" I shook my head. "Do you want to stay here- and I can fill it up in the morning." I shrugged, Burt sighed. "Come on in kiddo, you can't sit here all night." Still with my hood pulled up I got out of the car and followed Burt down the driveway and up the porch steps. At the threshold I stopped for a second, I hesitated for a moment, maybe I should just sleep in the car or something, then go back home in the morning.

Burt laid a hand on my back and more or less pushed me over the threshold. There wasn't much else for me to do then to step inside the door and have him close the door after us. "Blaine?" I heard Carole's voice and then she came around the corner. She looked so miserable- so unlike the Carole I knew. There were dark circles under her eyes, her eyes weren't the same as they had been and when she spoke there was a tone that hadn't been there before.

"You can go put your things in Kurt's room kiddo." Burt said. "You know the way so…" He stopped in the middle of the sentence, I nodded and walked up the stairs to Kurt's room. There wasn't much in the room, Kurt had taken almost everything with him to New York, but the furniture was still there, including a mirror than hung on the wall- which I walked over to, made sure I had closed the door and then pulled the hood of my Dalton academy sweatshirt down.

I hate to say I wasn't shocked by what I saw- there had been worse times. But I did have a big black eye shifting in dark blue and purple. Dark bruises on my cheek and jaw, swollen lip and a bleeding cut in my eyebrow- on top of all that my ribs were aching- and I really hoped they weren't broken- again! I pulled up the hoodie and checked the ribs in the mirror, there were also big bruises, but it didn't seem or feel like anything was broken.

"Blaine? Do you…." The door opened and Carole came in, I quickly pulled the hoodie down over my bruised ribs and covered my face with my hands. But it was too late- she had already seen. I heard her walk over the floor and then felt her hands on my arms. "Honey, remove your hands please." Her voice was just as motherly as ever, yet firm, but I didn't move. "Blaine, please remove your hands- I am not going to hurt you." Carole put a bit of pressure on my arms, not hard so it would force me to lower my arms, yet I could feel it.

"Blaine." She said calmly but firm. "Please do remove your hands." She put a bit of more pressure on my arms, I secretly hoped she'd just forget about what she saw and let it go, but of course- I knew she wouldn't do that. And then slowly I lowered my hands. "BURT." She shouted. "Can you come here for a moment?" I heard steps in the stairs and then down the hall, I tried to turn my head away from the door not to give Burt a chock but I knew that he knew anyway, I knew that he saw.

Carole asked Burt to go downstairs and get a first aid kit and something from the freezer, then she gently pressed my shoulders to make me sit down by the foot on Kurt's bed. I was too tired to make any more resistance and simply just sat down on the mattress, Carole kneeled down and I chose to look- well- everywhere else then to her while she slightly pressed the area around my eye.

"Here." When Burt came back with a bag of frozen peas and a first aid kit she wrapped the peas in one of Kurt's scarves that he had forgotten in a drawer and held it to my eye, I lifted my hand to hold it myself as she pulled out some tape of the kit and started taping the cut on my eyebrow. I kept on waiting for the question. The one everybody knew the answer off yet decided to ask anyway, but it never came… and what made me do it I didn't know, but I asked her if she was gonna ask.

"Ask what?" I told her that well- how this happened. "Do you want me to ask?" Well… that was a reaction I wasn't that used to getting- and I didn't really know what to answer. My first intention was to answer her no- usually that was a question I kind of hated being asked, why ask if they weren't going to believe me anyway? And I never came up with lies fast enough.

But I was tired of that. I was tired of all the excuses, all the lying and all the pretending like everything was fine. I was tired of coming home to dad saying all his apologies, pathetic excuses and promises never to do it again- yet two days later he would. And that was why I did know that the answer to Carole's question- yet I knew- and that was why I just simply kept quiet and looked away.

I didn't want to pretend anymore, I really didn't, and when Carole was on her way out of the room I quickly exclaimed- before I had the time to change my mind. "My dad." She stopped and turned around with a questioning look, but I couldn't bear to continue, she nodded, then walked out of the room and closed the door after her, and I was left alone.

**Burt POV **

I was standing in the living room, looking out the window. I couldn't see much except well… the dark, a few stars where the clouds didn't reach and a part of the moon. Kurt had told me Simon Anderson was- in simple words- an asshole. But Kurt always made it very clear that Blaine didn't want any help with that, why on earth had I listened to him?

Well, I had listened to him because he was my son. Because I- like everybody else had hoped it would be solved in any other way then for me to handle it. Was that really why I hadn't listened? Wasn't actually Blaine just as much my son as Kurt- and Finn of course- wouldn't it then be my job to protect him?

I heard the door to Kurt's room close, then fast footsteps and Carole- I assumed- walked into another room down the hallway, I could assume it was Finn's by where the sound came from. Carole would go in there when she was stressed out or anything, sit there with- with the silence and her own feelings. I hesitated for a moment, then knew what I had to do and walked upstairs and slowly opened the door to Finn's room.

Carole sat on the floor with her back against Finn's bed, her knees pulled up and hugging his pillow. I closed the door after me and sat down on the floor next to her, lifted my hand and stroke away a tear rolling down her cheek. Then Carole lifted her head from the pillow and looked to me.

"H-h- how did I-I let his happen?" She asked, but I couldn't really see if she was asking me- or herself. "Why hav-ven't we been doing anything" I wrapped my arm around Carole's shoulders and pulled her close. Held my hand towards the back of her head and pulled in my fingers in her hair.

"I don't know." I said. "But I know two things, one, it's not your fault. Two, that's over now." Carole leaned her head against my shoulder. I could tell she was doing her best not to cry, her body trembled with suppressed sobs and she had my shirt curled up in her fists.

We heard Blaine's phone ring in the room on the other side of the hallway and then him answering. I didn't listen to what he say, but I could still hear a word here and there when Blaine seemed to raise his voice like "Dad" and "Not coming home"

"I'll go talk to him" Carole lifted away my arm from her shoulders, stroke away the tears with her sleeve and put the pillow back on Finn's bed, carefully putting the covers as they had laid before and then left the room, I looked around the room and then walked out of the room, carefully closing the door after me.

Carole was talking to Blaine, I didn't want to interrupt so I simply just went downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee. It was so late so with this I probably would never fall asleep but- there are few things better than coffee when you need a break and have to think clearly.

"Burt, honey." Carole came into the room while I sat there with my cup. "There's something I want to talk to you about." I could guess what was coming but before I had the time to open my mouth and speak she had sat down by me and started herself. "I've been talking to Blaine and… listen. Blaine's parents will be home for like a month at the time, then go away- Simon at a business trip and Jade going with him for several months, sometimes as much as six or seven."

"Carole"

"And… Kurt is in New York and Finn… well… so we've got the place, besides both Sam and Blaine himself will start college in just a few months and well…" Carole seemed to search after the right words, I scratched my head in waiting for her to actually ask me and then be quiet. "And… well it could be fun for both Sam and Blaine living with a friend."

"Carole"

"And… you should have heard him speaking about his… house. He didn't really say it was bad but I can read between the lines and I just can't make him go back there I just can't. His dad is a homophobe and a racist and his mum haven't really got anything to do to make what she's thinking. Simon doesn't listen to her…"

"Carole"

"His parents had just come home earlier and Blaine was telling Jade how he have proposed to Kurt and Simon heard and just went mad. And Blaine made Jade leave so she wouldn't get hurt and that is not a responsibility to put on a teenager…"

"Carole"

"And… did you know that when… you know how Finn always talked about like how Blaine have got all these nice stuff like the car and the phone and the laptop… Simon gave all those things to Blaine to make up for when he hurt him. When he gave Blaine that car he'd broken three ribs and been on the verge of puncture a lung because of that."

I saw that my tries of interrupting her and make my voice heard. But I needed a way of stop my wife from gabbling on and on about what I had already thought off, and without thinking anymore I simply kissed her. Put my hands on either side of her face and kissed her- hard and for long. When I let go and pulled back she only sat there, with her mouth open, looking at me as if I had gone mad.

"What… on…. Earth are you doing?" She said chocked. I chuckled and sat down again while I thought of an indigenous answer. I looked up at her, she still sat there gaping and I lifted my hand and put it under her chin and pressed it to close her mouth.

"I'm making you shut up." I said quietly- yet loud enough to be sure that she could hear me. And believe me when I said- Carole still looked at me as if I had gone completely mad. I chuckled- it felt good actually after this heart wrenching evening.

"Now… when you're finally quiet." I smirked. "I was thinking about that already and guess what?" she shook her head. "I was thinking exactly the same. So what you think? Should we go and ask Blaine what he thinks?" I bent forward and kissed her again- gently this time.

Blaine sat on the floor like Carole had been sitting by Finn's bad earlier, with his knees pulled up slightly, his knees towards his legs and staring right in front of him, while his back was against the bed yet he wasn't leaning backwards.

"Blaine, honey." Carole said and went to sit down by him, I sat down in front of them both, wow- what was it with people in this house that they needed to sit on the floor? "We were thinking." Carole continued. "That if you want to move in and live here- if you don't want to be alone and don't want to be afraid of getting hurt- you can…" Carole seemed to want to say more only wasn't completely sure what when Blaine spoke up.

"It's fine. I don't want to be a bother. You guys, you have already been giving me way too much. I… I'll just walk." Blaine started standing up but fell back next to Carole. His lower lip started trembling but I could almost see in his eyes how hard he was fighting not to cry. "I… I'm so tired of being alone."

"Hey," Carole pulled the teenager close. "It's okay. You're never alone okay? We're always here- I think you know that so whenever you need anything we'll always be here for you." Blaine was slowly succeeding with trying not to cry, he pulled away from Carole and cleared his throat. He seemed to think about what to say next- and whatever it was I had thought he was going to say- it wasn't this- yet in a way- I had almost expected it.

"I heard this song a while… it's called home… and during the refrain there were some lines… home, is where your heart is set in stone, is where you go when you're alone, and so on. And I caught myself thinking about… thinking about my house where it's sung what a home isn't. And then when she sung what a home is I was thinking… about this place. Even though Kurt isn't always here anymore and F…" He stopped as if he had been in the middle of Finn's name as if he had been cursing. "This feels more like home than any other place I know."

"Oh sweetheart… you will always have a home here. Whether you want to live here or not, if you want this to be home, then it is home. And even if you'd choose to go back to yours then… we will always… always do you hear me? Be here for you." Carole reached out and took Blaine's hand in hers. "And nothing will ever change that." Blaine nodded, the hair gel was partly gone and make him look quite funny with some of the hair lying flat and the other standing right up.

"So… if I'd choose to live here…." Blaine started but stopped talking, I heard Carole say something about that then he'd never be a bother. "Do I have to make up my mind now?" she smiled, then shook her head- of course not. "Thank you."

"One thing though Blaine." Carole began. "If you're here. If you… say something about Finn. You don't have to stop. Maybe it will be hard talking about him but then, one time it will be a tiny little bit easier, then a while later a tiny little bit more and so on. But stop talking about him and remembering him won't make anything better." Blaine nodded.

"There is a thing… do you ever… do you ever start thinking about something with him and smile or laugh and then, just stop because it makes you feel…" Blaine stopped talking, he didn't have to say anymore, we all knew.

"All the time." Carole cleared her throat. "But… you know… Finn was always trying to make us smile or laugh- don't you think he'd still want that?" Blaine shrugged. "I know he would. He'd like you to laugh and smile and be happy. Think about the memories without concentrating on the part where he wasn't there anymore."

"So… if you think at when we were watching football and what Finn said then." I joked. "Then go ahead and laugh your ass of kid." I smirked, Blaine took a moment to remember which game I was speaking about and then laughed.

"Burt." Carole scolded and hit me with the back of her hand. I just laughed. "What did he say by the way," Blaine laughed harder, tears from crying where still rolling down his cheeks but he laughed anyway.

"Well… I hadn't known Finn for very long, but while visiting Kurt I got stuck watching a football game with Finn and Burt and… Finn he asked well- dude you're gay! Are you really supposed to like football?" Carole shook her head. "And of course I answered that of course I can both like football and be gay." I continued.

"And Finn he looked a bit… like wow- and then he said that " I was starting to have a hard time not laughing. "that he used to think that being gay must be something that feels kind of bad in a way. But now when he thought about- for once, no girls no drama, second, no girls no SMS- which I corrected to PMS, and no girls- and a gay guy that likes football. You can watch football all you want."

"And then he stated." Blaine took a deep breath not to laugh like "I think I'm going to become a gay." Carole laughed and shook her head. Actually- I had never really gotten what was so funny about what he said- but boy it was.

"Boys!" Carole sighed and shook her head, I grabbed a pillow from Kurt's chair and threw it at her, which only led to more laughing with all of us.

I had been right when I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep with that last cup of coffee I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I tried for a while, then stood up, grabbed a glass of water and then walked up to Kurt's room.

Blaine had kicked his covers down to his feet, I walked over, grabbed it and pulled it over him, gently placing it on top of him- hoping that I wouldn't wake him up. But boy he had to be exhausted from the last hours because he didn't move a muscle. I tip- toed out of the room again and walked back to mine and Carole's where Carole was somewhere in between sleeping and awake, I bent forward and kissed her forehead.

"You know I love you right?" She nodded towards my lips. "I love you, Kurt, Blaine- and Finn and Liz of course- more than anything else in the whole world- or the whole heaven." Carole just smiled and shook her head at me.

"I love you more."

**Awwwwwwwwww! Well, I loved that part with Burt kissing Carole to just silent her- and that part with them sitting in Kurt's room talking. I couldn't really come up with a memory fun enough so I asked Precious- passenger, she thought about having something with football in it, so I mixed that with the idea I had and voila. It's not that funny actually I guess but- I really couldn't come up with anything else. **

**English still isn't my first language **


End file.
